Operation Breakup/Transcript
Mallory: Thanks for helping me do this, Matt. I've never broken up with anyone before. Matt: Sure, what are friends for, if not to help you end other friendships. Mallory: I'm just worried that I'll lose my nerve, I feel like he's a lot more invested in this relationship than I am. Matt: Don't worry, I'm a pro at this. Tons of girls have broken up with me. Have you got your earpiece in? Mallory: Yeah. Do you want to test it? Matt: Yeah. Matt: This is Mongoose, come in, Heartbreaker. Mallory: Okay, I need another codename. Matt: Maneater? Soulcrusher. Mallory: No, you're just making me feel worse about this. Matt: I'm sorry, you can be Butterfly... of Sadness. Mallory: Just leave it at Butterfly. Matt: Fine. Commence Operation Scarring Emotional Pain. Jason: Oh hey, Mal! Mallory: Hey, hi. Jason: So good to see you. Mallory: Oh yeah, well, I just wanted to talk to you. Matt: You are doing great. I repeat, you are doing great. Jason: I was beginning to think that you had forgotten that today was my birthday. Matt: You are the devil, I repeat, you are the devil. Mallory: No, no, I don't forget things like that. Matt: I did not sign up for this, Butterfly! Today is his birthday? Mallory: How was I supposed to know? Matt: Oh, I don't know, have you thought of Facebook? Jason: Hey, do you want to go get something to eat? I was thinking Italian. You think about it, I'll go get my jacket. Matt: Are you sure you want to continue with this? It's not going to be pretty. If he's anything like me, he's going to cry. A lot. Mallory: I'm sorry, I have to! I can't live in a lie! Matt: You lie all the time! Mallory: I know, but I really want to break up. Mallory: Though I could do Chinese. Matt: Okay, let's ruin his special day. Mallory: Of course today is your special day too, seeing how it's our six-month anniversary. Matt: Have you a heart of stone, woman?! Mallory: What do I do? Matt: Okay, you need to stop him from talking and change the subject. Mallory: Stop! I want to talk about cheese. Matt: Good, now transition from that to breaking up with him. Mallory: This isn't easy for me, just like cheese isn't easy for me to digest. Matt: But...? Mallory: But... Jason: It's okay, to be honest, I've kind of seen this coming for a long time now. I'll just spare you the awkwardness. Matt: Oh, this is going much better now. Jason: I love you. Matt: Oh! Red alert! The L-word has entered the conversation! We need to regroup. Jason: I was going to wait to give you this, but I can't wait. Mallory: What? Matt: Oh no, don't let him bring out any presents, Butterfly, stop this. Jason: What are you going to call him? It looks like a Toby to me. I used to have a dog named Toby. Matt: That is an adorable name. We are losing control of the conversation, Butterfly, we need to regain- Whitney: Hello! I'm Jason's mom. Hi! It is so good to finally meet you! We have heard so much about you! Matt: Okay, we have engaged multiple hostiles. Mallory: Matt, help me! Matt: Okay, don't worry. I'm mobilizing, here comes the distraction. Matt: Hello there! I am in the neighborhood today to rob you. Jason: Yeah. Get him, mom. Yes. Harder. Whitney: And that's why I always carry a brick in my purse. Matt: Man down, Butterfly, man down. Whitney: Anyway, you'll be good to my Jason, okay? Between you and me, the last girl he dated practically ripped his heart out, so I'm glad he's dating you now. Matt: Okay, we can still pull through on this. Whitney: I mean, can you believe she broke up with him a year ago today? I mean, it was his birthday, first of all, and the day his dog died. Jason: You'll never die. Will you, Toby Junior? Matt: Abort the mission. Whitney: I mean, what kind of sick, twisted person would do that? Matt: I'm sorry, Butterfly, you got to date him for at least two more weeks. My conscience is screaming at me, along with my ribs. Mallory: Yeah. I would never do something like that. Hey, I'm just going to get your present and then I'll be right back, okay? Jason: Sounds good. Mallory: I knew we should have done this over the phone. Matt: Ah, I require medical attention. Stacey: Nicely done, everyone. Looks like Operation Stop Mallory From Breaking Up With Jason was a huge success. Category:Season 2